For the past few months, I have tried to do everything I could to know God better. I have read the word, gone to church, and had numerous spiritual discussions with anyone who wanted to talk. I’ve read books, I’ve seen movies, and all of this resorts to meaningless for my life.
To the normal Christian, this would sound completely bizarre because it seems like all of these are things that one should do in order to see and know God better, but for me, I may as well have been chasing after cars. You see, my goal was good. i wanted to know more about God because the more i knew about God, the more i felt secure in myself and the more i got that creepy feeling you get in your stomach when the worship band is really good and the bass is up real loud and they go into that really catchy bridge of that song that really makes you think (insert Hillsong lyric here…) but the reality was, I wasn’t seeing God.
My biggest goal in life, also my greatest fear; God. You see sometimes, when we say we are seeking God, its easy for us to pretend like we can’t find Him. It is easy for us to pretend like God is hiding from us. If we can convince ourselves that we are searching for God with all of our hearts, but He doesn’t show up, its not on us anymore. This is why we so many people who go to church but don’t serve in any real capacity. They are checking off the list to say, God, look what I did for you. I searched for You all over the place, and you didn’t show up. We do not have to be accountable to a God we can’t find, right?
God showed me this during my pursuit to know God in an impersonal way. I was haunted by a passage of scripture day and night. My fascination with the text led me to preach on the very thing that God was convicting me of. The passage comes from Paul’s second recorded letter to Timothy (2nd Timothy 3:5 to be exact) and he sums up a thought like this. “-…people who have the appearance of Godliness, but deny its power, avoid these people.” You see, ever since I was young, I claimed Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I was in church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and whenever else it was open. As I said earlier, I read books, had spiritual conversations, and even watched spiritual themed movies. If anyone appeared to be Godly, it was me.
The hardest thing to grasp was Paul told Timothy to avoid people like me. My fear wasn’t rooted in evil things that could happen to me, but rather it was in the power of God. The more I learned about God, the more I realized that God really had the power to do what He said he was going to do. My fear was putting all my faith in God, knowing that I would have to deal the past that I’ve tried so hard to forget. Is anyone with me?
If we were really honest with ourselves, we’d realize that God isn’t the one hiding.
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Jordan – just found your blog, read your entries and it is wonderful! Brutally honest and personal. Keep it up.
Like the blog….I like the part where you said, “we don’t have to be accountable to a God we can’t find, right?” Unfortunately, people think God is going to supernaturally intervene and speak from Heaven in an audible voice if He wants their attention. And if He doesn’t, they “safely” assume He isn’t worried – because of course, they aren’t as bad as the next guy, so they must be ok in God’s eyes….
Thanks for being brave enough to admit it isn’t like this….
Toni